Clouds don't pass me by

So, I've finally reached the last paper of what felt like an eternity, and now, I'm excited that things are gonna change. I've planned my entire spring festival break through and through, and I swear, there will never be a dull moment. I am proud to say that Nearly RM3000 ringgit later, I will do a whole lot of flying in the next month.

I've blogged about this earlier, but still, I wanna say it again. Malaysia, Thailand, Hong Kong and Guangzhou. Who knew I would actually start being a tourist alone. It's gonna be my first time leaving the country and doing all those silly-billy sightseeing things, and boy am I excited. I don't know what there is to see in Hong Kong, but I'm looking forward to having Temily take me around.

Just thought i'd drop by and get things off my chest.

Ta!

Fix me, please oh please

I should be worried. I should be full on, staring at my books and trying to understand. But here I am, wasting my one week break in between the exams on Facebooking, downloading movies and songs and watching youtube videos. I have decided that I am officially broken. I am unfixable.

I am immune to pain. I'm numbed and can't feel fear. I've sat for 4 papers thus far, and I didn't freak out for any of them even though I wasn't prepared at all. So far, all the papers have been a complete mess, and I don't even think I'll be able to pass any of them. Yet, I haven't sat down and cried about it. I just return to my room and sleep. I am broken. And I have someone to blame.

Nad.

Current mood: Depressed

From the title alone, we can clearly see the angle I'll be blogging today.

I reflect on life. I stare at walls. I spent 5 minutes in front of the mirror, staring at myself wondering how I can be the bitch that I am.

I.am.depressed.

I've been speaking to people. Sort of. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that what I do is part of growing up and part of what will make me into a person that learns. I give up again. Time and time again, I return to this feeling that I am a complete mess. Every year, I go through the same old routine of wondering if going to a shrink should be an option to get over my depression. I go through suicide possibilities in my mind and wonder if people will even care if I go into the light. And then I speak to people again who persuade me that everyone else in the world feels alone. I believe them for a couple of days, and then go back to a major withdrawal.

I tried to deactivate my facebook account. I did it. And I don't think anyone noticed. Yesterday, I suddenly received an email in my hotmail account from Facebook saying "Welcome back to Facebook" when I did no such thing. Its either someone tried hacking into my account, or in some messed up way, I can never really fall through on what I want in life. I've been driving my depression further to the bone by watching Grey's anatomy episodes, all involving failed relationships and how they try to move on in life to find true love. Way to go Nadia.

I want it all. I want the great boyfriend who adores me. I want the great career. I want the awesome supportive family. I want the concerned friends. I want to be able to go onto Facebook and receive notifications telling me that people missed me. Sadly enough, I know I can't have it all.

Life sure does suck.

Good luck for your paper in less than 24 hours nad. You're sure going to kill it.