I'm down to 18 days left on my countdown and as the days flutter by I panic more. I'm excited, yes, of course, but I can't help but feel the same way I did 4 years ago. I'm afraid things are gonna be exactly the same. I'm scared I'm gonna hate the country again, and I'm scared that when I come back, people are gonna say I've changed. I think the worst part about the whole moving to China thing is that I'm gonna miss everyone and everything.
I'll miss my room.
I'll miss my bed.
I'll miss having all my clothes stuffed in my closet.
I'll miss my uni friends.
I'll miss my Baha'i friends.
I'll miss my cousins.
I'll miss him.
This "leaving" thing is a lot worse than it was before. While people may think, "Gosh, she's over-reacting. It's only a year", the fact is, I'm looking at things in a long-term view. When I get back, I'll be completing my 3rd year back home in Malaysia, but after that, it's off to UK for me for a year, and then New Zealand for another year. and who knows when I'll be back after that. Me leaving in 3 weeks marks the beginning of a series of constant travel and the disability to call a specific place home.
As I think of it over and over again, things play through my mind. How things could have been had certain things this year gone as planned. I can see it: what if my UK application had been accepted, what if Therry was still apart of my life. It's funny how far off my vision for this year and how it has actually played out is. It's like God's out to get my giving me a series of bad events, throwing punches with no mercy. Though, I take this trip to China as a blessing to re-cooperate and get back on my feet. I suppose God has a bigger plan for me.
I hope he knows what he's doing, because he's costed me what meant to me the most.
0 comments:
Post a Comment