I love you everyday, twice on the weekends

When I was a kid, I made the mistake of thinking things will go the way I want it to, if I tried hard enough. My mom always told me I was a special kid because I saw things differently than others. I could remember dates, addresses, the colour of someone's t-shirt when reminiscing about how we met. And till now, it stuck. I was always a different child. I see it more and more as time passes by.

As I grew older, I started to see through my hopes and realised things don't always go the way I want it to. Problem was, when that happen, I began to stop doing things. When I was 13, I sat for my first extra-curricular exam. I failed. I never went back to it.

It's then that I realised:

I don't handle rejection well.

And starting from that year, I stopped participating in things I knew I couldn't control. Besides the occasional lets-enter-this-for-fun stint, everything I did was never competition based. If I were to sing on stage, it wouldn't be for a competition. If I were to study, it was never to be the first in class.

Which brings us to now. I'm 20, and turning 20 made me realise a lot. As many would know, I just had a rough break up with Therry, and though I remained sour for some time, I realised having him as a friend would be easier than trying to avoid him. I destroyed my birthday by fretting over how to avoid him rather than to just enjoy the moment. It wasn't the best of birthdays considering the tears but it was a revelation to me. Him not being there with me, holding my hand the way I held his on his birthday meant that its official. And as its been over a week since my birthday, I finally feel comfortable enough to say that I'm over him. I've cried for a month. I've tried to make people hate him. I used all my energy to not cross paths with, and surprisingly was successful. But once again, lets relate this failure with how I treat my life. Failing is not something I do well. Once I fail, I fear trying again.

I'm afraid to go through the hell again. and I still wish he'll come back.

So now, I'm coming close to the submission date of my China application form. And I'm taking a risk by waiting this long to send it in, but I'm scared. I'm scared that something that happened earlier this year will happen again. In February I submitted an application to study in the UK. I wanted to wait till my results came out, but was forced to submit it anyhow. The next day my results came in and I failed a subject, thus causing my application to be rejected. From then, I was never the same. Then came the china application. With much worry, I tried and got accepted to a certain limit: that I don't fail this semester. Results are coming out soon, and right now I'm waiting for it, hoping that somehow it'll come before the submission date of my forms. This year has been terrible, and something tells me, God's out to get my for something I did in the past.

So, you tell me. Is it wrong for me to worry?