Clouds don't pass me by

So, I've finally reached the last paper of what felt like an eternity, and now, I'm excited that things are gonna change. I've planned my entire spring festival break through and through, and I swear, there will never be a dull moment. I am proud to say that Nearly RM3000 ringgit later, I will do a whole lot of flying in the next month.

I've blogged about this earlier, but still, I wanna say it again. Malaysia, Thailand, Hong Kong and Guangzhou. Who knew I would actually start being a tourist alone. It's gonna be my first time leaving the country and doing all those silly-billy sightseeing things, and boy am I excited. I don't know what there is to see in Hong Kong, but I'm looking forward to having Temily take me around.

Just thought i'd drop by and get things off my chest.

Ta!

Fix me, please oh please

I should be worried. I should be full on, staring at my books and trying to understand. But here I am, wasting my one week break in between the exams on Facebooking, downloading movies and songs and watching youtube videos. I have decided that I am officially broken. I am unfixable.

I am immune to pain. I'm numbed and can't feel fear. I've sat for 4 papers thus far, and I didn't freak out for any of them even though I wasn't prepared at all. So far, all the papers have been a complete mess, and I don't even think I'll be able to pass any of them. Yet, I haven't sat down and cried about it. I just return to my room and sleep. I am broken. And I have someone to blame.

Nad.

Current mood: Depressed

From the title alone, we can clearly see the angle I'll be blogging today.

I reflect on life. I stare at walls. I spent 5 minutes in front of the mirror, staring at myself wondering how I can be the bitch that I am.

I.am.depressed.

I've been speaking to people. Sort of. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that what I do is part of growing up and part of what will make me into a person that learns. I give up again. Time and time again, I return to this feeling that I am a complete mess. Every year, I go through the same old routine of wondering if going to a shrink should be an option to get over my depression. I go through suicide possibilities in my mind and wonder if people will even care if I go into the light. And then I speak to people again who persuade me that everyone else in the world feels alone. I believe them for a couple of days, and then go back to a major withdrawal.

I tried to deactivate my facebook account. I did it. And I don't think anyone noticed. Yesterday, I suddenly received an email in my hotmail account from Facebook saying "Welcome back to Facebook" when I did no such thing. Its either someone tried hacking into my account, or in some messed up way, I can never really fall through on what I want in life. I've been driving my depression further to the bone by watching Grey's anatomy episodes, all involving failed relationships and how they try to move on in life to find true love. Way to go Nadia.

I want it all. I want the great boyfriend who adores me. I want the great career. I want the awesome supportive family. I want the concerned friends. I want to be able to go onto Facebook and receive notifications telling me that people missed me. Sadly enough, I know I can't have it all.

Life sure does suck.

Good luck for your paper in less than 24 hours nad. You're sure going to kill it.

The best ways to entertain yourself

Ah, how I appreciate my laptop right now. It has helped me entertain myself for the past few hours. Webcamming is so awesome.

Happy New Years peeps! Lets hope next year involves me realising that I'm older, and I should act it. For those who don't know, I broke up with Therry after getting back together with him, and it's my fault things ended. Just thought I'd start the new year with me being completely honest and taking the blame for the mistakes I have made. To Therry, I miss you and still love you dearly, though I don't think we'll be romantically involved ever again. As to everyone else, family and friends - you know who you are - I miss you all and really wish I could be with you all on this day. I've decided to scratch the whole 12 grapes thing I've been doing for nearly 5 years now due to the fact that I've lost my belief in luck.

2011 sees me turning 21. The so-called age of maturity where I can finally do things and be responsible for it. Maybe its fine time I stop watching cartoons and behave like an adult.

right. Like that'll happen.

Ta!

My Christmas Eve

So, I arrived a couple of hours ago, and while I should really be studying, I'm not, because of this stupid cold I'm having and this constant coughing. So, instead, I spend the day with my heater under the sheets and my lappie, finishing off all the movies I've downloaded so that when I do decide to study, nothing will be around to distract me. Looking at it, I now know of a few movies people should never watch.

1. Cherrybomb - Starring Rupert Grint

2. Southland Tales - Starring Justin Timberlake, Mandy Moore, Dwayne Johnson

3. Wall Street - Starring Shia LaBeof

As for movies that I think are good, I would definately recommend Going the distance, Easy A and Ramona and Beezus. I'm back to the whole romance genre of movies considering I screwed up any possibility of even being in a relationship again. I've been trying to write up an apology but I keep coming up short.

Sigh.

I wish words would come as easily as it does for blogging.

When we're through

As I have embraced the Malaysian air for more than a week now, I finally realise why I left in the first place. Of course, with all the joy and blissful happiness practically oozing out of my family's skin during my cousin's wedding, I can say that the one thing I did miss was being able to chill out with everyone without a care in the world.

As for now, I'm beginning to fret AGAIN that the earth will be turning a year older technically once again. 2010 has been a major bitch to me.

January was beyond awesome

May made me lose hope

August tested my health

October gave me a sense of confidence

November confused me

and December,

well. December,

Maybe December should never exist sometimes.

To 2010.

Thanks.

No seriously, thanks.

Going down

9 days en-counting till I go back to Malaysia and I'm getting more and more excited till my studies have come to a complete halt. I've been skipping classes a lot more this sem, which isn't something that's so good, but the fact that my room has become so cosy and that in bed I feel so snug AND that the temperature outside has been dropping by the minute, sacrificing a class or two has not put much of a toll on my conscience.

For the past week, I've been wasting my time by trying to finish off all the seasons of Smallville which is taking some time considering that there's 10 seasons worth of it. It's not exactly the best thing to watch because each episode is an hour's worth, and I'm running low on time before I leave.

Anyways, today I decided to start talking to my beloved brader from another mather after such a long time and it got me thinking about my family. Since I've arrived here in Ningbo, my family has matured so much. The split that occurred with the 4 of us has been healed with distance surprisingly. I would have thought that the 4 of us being all over the globe would mean that talking to each other would be very dry and lack content, but all of us have been doing very well with it. Must be because of our history of constantly being apart anyways. I'm actually anticipating our reunion because of the months apart. Yes, I was in a lot more contact with mom and dad but I think in Malaysia we'll face a bigger obstacle because there would be other people around us that tend to attract more of our attention, i.e. friends, family, boyfriends. Being here, I've re-evaluated my priorities and now I realise that if I had to choose between them and anyone else, I would now choose them (unless it was something that was super super super not worth missing)

Something amazing has happened to me recently and I've indulged a secret to the closest of my friends and while I expected them to respond with disgust, most of them have backed me up saying that any decisions I make while being here may be biased, nonetheless, it is a decision that I made, not one coerced on me. I love all you people very much, and thank you for your support.

Till the next time,

Ta!